You're supposed to be here.
Or we're supposed to be somewhere, together.

Because I get lost in my own head sometimes.
And I think of so many things - alone.

Alone.
Alone.

You're supposed to be here.
Or we're supposed to be somewhere, together.

Because I get lost in my own head sometimes.
And I think of so many things - alone.

Alone.
Alone.

... to have something that is only half-mine, to hold someone so fragile and so dependent of me, to love someone more than i love myself, to pray that i can live long enough to show the world to that person.

breathe.
breathe.
breathe.

Ya tau, ga usah pake jutek juga lah. Bukan lo doang yang berduka karena temen lo sakit.

if there's one thing i hate about not being married is the anxiety i have to go through (almost) every month if my period is late. i'm even scared just writing about it.

and if there's one reason why i still find the need of getting married, i think this will be it.

this anxiety gets even worse nowadays. no, scrape that. i meant, it doesnt get better at all. from my first period-late-ness, until who knows how many lateness i had for the past three and a half years, i still feel like it's the end of the world every fucking time.

and i hate it.
i fucking hate it.

i feel irresponsible everytime this happens, i blame myself for being stupid, i hate myself for betraying family's trust, i hate him for doing this to me, and i hate myself for wrecking my own body.

i hate it.

and now, i am almost close to apathy. this is wrong. i still hate myself when this fucking period comes late, but i get tired just thinking about it. i dont know how many times have i cried over this same thing, how many times i promise myself to be careful, to be strong, to be sure of what i'm doing. hell i dont know.

and when he said he's kinda anxious, these days i just wanna slap his head and scream. "dont you know what you're doing to me?!"

that's how i really feel.

I am tired of crying every week. And I think you take me for granted. Is it time to call it quit now?

I called but I hardly know you now.. I thought the term "I'm lonely" will never be applied to me, but I was wrong.

I miss you, but when we speak, I hardly know you.. And I'm scared, and I want to ask: what happened? What should I do? But you seem genuinely upset..

By me.

I know I'm supposed to be strong and everything, but even after my PMS is done, here I am, on a crowded airport, alone and wanting to talk freely to you since yesterday. But I hardly know you now.

And I don't know how to put this another way. I'm lonely.

.. Sudah lama saya ngga liputan ke luar kota. Sekalinya pergi (apa karena saya orang jawa?) firasat kok kenceng terus. Mulai dari ketemu sama orang yang at-first-sight mencuri perhatian, sampe dinasehati bapak2 pencinta kopi. *sigh*

Dan penutup malam saya adalah.. Setelah beberapa jam sebelumnya disuruh sabar, tiba2 pacar emosi gara2.. Ya seperti biasa lah. Dia memang suka susah kendaliin emosi. Bukan marah sama saya sebenarnya, sama provider.. Tp akhirnya saya kena imbas jg.. Jadi ga sabaran dia.

Ini firasat? :( ndak tau. Tapi yang jelas saya percaya Tuhan punya kehendak. Manusia tinggal mencari..

Marriage. Scary and haunting. Yet being in my age and my position, people ask about it all the time.

Why, I ask myself (almost) all the time nowadays. Do I want it? With him? Can he? Does he want it? Really? Or was he still scared of it? Or am I the one who's scared and he's the one who's steady? I'm not sure of any of the answers.

Yesterday when we talked about it, it was spooky. I am not the person who pushes people to do what I want. And watching him.. Trying to talk about marriage.. It stirred something inside me. Is he scared inside? Am I? I am not even sure about his will to end bachelorship (if that's a word).

See, he's a good guy. And I've known him for years. But I know the fear in his eyes when we talk about marriage (sometimes). Now, I think my own fear reflects in his eyes too.

I even backed away and said "Bismillah aja lah," yesterday. Why? Because we need to be sure of what we're doing. Yet we're in a stage where we know each other well enough and we need to escalate to another level altogether - if we do really want to (try to) be with eachother until the end of time.

A pivotal point, you might say.

I am trying my best to take careful steps. And I hope he does too. Hopefully, we will find the best way to do this.

Amin.

halo, ini saya lagi. kebiasaan memang, saya jarang menulis ketika senang. namanya juga catatan (galau) harian. jadi saya ke sini kalau butuh tempat pelarian saja.

dan kali ini penyebabnya adalah dia dia dia. defining roles and relationships. dont do unto others what you dont wanna be done to you. kirakira seperti itu. saya percaya karma. saya percaya good will.

saya percaya tuhan. saya percaya nasib. saya percaya, seperti yang pernah diajarkan seorang tua yang bijaksana pada saya di malam sendu di pinggiran desa, bahwa tuhan sudah tulis semuanya buat kamu. yang harus kamu lakukan adalah berdoa supaya yang kamu inginkan sesuai dengan yang sudah dituliskan.

lucu ya konsepnya. percaya bahwa kamu pion, tapi meminta kebahagiaan menjalaninya.

dengan nama yang maha kuasa (meski saya tahu berat membawa2 namanya di sini), mari kita mulai lagi.

bismillah.